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Social media, the new ‘comforter’ for Nigerians with heavy hearts

Published

6 years ago

May 25, 2019

Shortly after David Ejeagba got married , he needed help in overcoming his emotional difficulties . Though Ejeagba was married to the love of his life , he soon realised that he was fighting to save his new home from another woman who was desperate to have him at all cost .

Ejeagba, an event planner and hospitality expert in Lagos , had planned to marry the woman instead of his wife , but he later changed his mind due to some developments. Soon , the woman ’ s moves started to bother Ejeagba, and being a man with few friends , he didn ’ t know who to talk to . For him , talking to his wife was not an option because she would be directly affected by the situation , but luck soon smiled on Ejeagba when he found a platform on Facebook where he could pour his heart out to other members, who were quick to offer some advice and words of comfort .
“ I joined the platform in 2013 and later began to notice that some of the real life issues the administrator used to talk about on her platform were similar to what I was going through . I learnt a lot of lessons from other members of the platform; that was why I remained there .

“ I have found some form of comfort since I have been there . I have even learnt how to handle situations that I may likely face in future .

“ When I was newly married , one of my former potential fiancées tried to come close to me but I didn ’ t know how to handle the situation . I shared my story on a platform on Facebook and I was able to get solutions . Even though some comments were ridiculous and funny ; I had to sieve them and use the ones that would work best for me. Personally , people ’ s opinions don’ t offend me; I went to the platform because I knew I would get practical solutions. In my case, my wife should have been my confidant but I couldn ’ t tell her about it because it also affected her directly ; and I don’ t keep too many friends , so the social media platform was the only hope for me. It has been a blessing to me, ” the Abia State – born man said .

Like Ejeagba , many Nigerians now turn to the social media for consolation and comfort in times of emotional needs. This is what the social media has become for some people who go there to share personal stories with people they have never met . Often, the fear of being judged makes people shy away from sharing their issues with family members and friends , some of who may end up using such information against them .
So considering how the social media has become a community on its own where people interact socially and economically , it may be easy to understand why the ‘ community ’ is fast becoming a ‘ comforter ’ for many people .

According to Zephoria statistics , about 2 . 7 billion people are active on Facebook monthly ; and according to Hootsuite , about one billion people use Instagram every month .
In its 2017 report , Internet World Stats said Facebook had 17 million Nigerians as subscribers. Meanwhile , Lagos alone, which is the most populous space in Nigeria, has an estimated 20 million people . But like many things in this world , the virtual space also comes with its positive and negative sides .
Over the years , several social media platforms have served as a virtual companion to people from the comfort of their homes .

Like Ejeagaba , Asogwa Norman , a seasoned academic , turned to the social media at a point in his life when he had nowhere else to turn . According to him , he was weighed down by some of life’ s bugging issues to the point when it felt like he was dying . With no one to confide in , the issues burdened his heart .
“ I joined a Facebook platform over three years ago. I have shared my story anonymously about three times . The platform was introduced to me by my cousin who was the administrator ’ s friend on Facebook . I needed to talk to someone about some of life’ s bugging issues I was going through at the time . It was as though I was dying alone.

“ I was really impressed with the way the administrator of the group handled my issues as though they were hers . She earned my trust and it was obvious she had a wealth of experience . Sharing my story lifted a burden from my heart . Being a member of a platform online has been the best thing that has happened to me on social media .
“ I could not share what was bothering me with anyone around me. There are some things I have shared on the platform that my immediate family members don’ t know about it . After sharing it , I always find comfort ; it feels like I’ m talking to a close family member .

“ However , there is an adverse effect . For instance , when my stories were shared on the platform , individual differences came into play so people had different opinions about how to deal with the issues. Sometimes it may be discouraging and at other times , encouraging . But most of the time , it is always encouraging and beneficial .
“ If such platforms request for money for their services , I am ready to pay . It has been a worthwhile experience , ” he said .
Findings however revealed that many of such social media platform administrators were inspired by their personal stories and ordeals to create the interactive heart – to -heart platforms.

For instance , the challenges Blessing Okoro , an administrator , had in her marriage at a young age created a huge emotional vacuum that was difficult to fill . Most times , she was alone with her thoughts with no one to talk to . Interestingly, after the marriage crashed , she chose to fill that vacuum for other people who might be going through similar issues, a decision that led to the birth of her Instagram platform for women and men to talk about issues bothering them emotionally ; though anonymously.
“ My failed marriage inspired me to start the platform. During my ordeal , I realised I couldn ’ t talk to people around me about what I was going through in the marriage because I was scared of being judged; everyone is covering up something . The best people to talk to are strangers because they give the best advice and they are not sentimental.

“ People feel free when they can share their stories anonymously; that is why some stories on my platform are unbelievable but true . They can express themselves . Before the advent of social media , people used to share their stories with their friends anonymously by narrating it in a way that would make it seem like the problem was not theirs but a third party ’ s . That is why there are many miserable stories on my platform because they are anonymous .
“ Most of the stories I receive are centred on emotional issues and domestic violence . People say my platform is scary because when they read things posted there consistently , they may start having a negative perception of marriage; but those are the kind of stories we receive . People tend to voice out more when they have problems ; when things are going smoothly , people hardly talk . They only come there when they have problems , ” she told
Saturday PUNCH .

Speaking about the downsides of sharing her personal story and handling an interactive platform like hers , she noted that sometimes , people ’ s stories get to her and burden her heart as she often puts herself in the shoes of those sharing the stories .
“ I get overburdened sometimes and even depressed on their behalf. I wanted to run the page free of charge before but I realised that if things are done for free , people take it for granted . So after a while , I had to monetise it because I realised that some people shared one – sided stories and exaggerated . It is natural for human beings not to value a service they don’ t pay for .
“ So now , I charge for counselling , so before they come to me they think it through . So once I advise them , they take action . I might not get so many clients to counsel , but I am satisfied . Some of them even end up paying extra after the counselling worked for them .
“ When I shared the story about my failed marriage, I gained more popularity; it went viral . A lot of people told me they were inspired by my story. I share my knowledge on my platform for free , I have continued because I have been encouraged . I decided to use myself as an example so that people can relate to it . After sharing my story with people , they felt very comfortable to share their confidential stories with me.
“ Most of the stories I share are related to heartbreak or domestic violence but I usually see negative comments on them probably because those who share negative comments have never witnessed it before . I have been insulted on blogs before for sharing my own story. I always urge people to learn from the situations I share on my platform , ” the 30 – year – old woman said .
Similarly , Obiageli Chukwuneta also started her platform after she had to deal with some emotional issues with no one to talk to . She told Saturday PUNCH how social media helped her ease her pain .

“ I was coming from an emotional experience as a result of a failed relationship that made me go through a lot of low moments emotionally .
“ Those days , I didn ’ t have anyone to talk to ; my only consolation was reaching out to women who were invited to talk shows on TV and radio . Most of the time , when I wrote to them through the presenters , I never got feedback . I resorted to talking to myself as though someone was talking to me. I would often write things down and read them to myself repeatedly . That was how I was able to find stability emotionally .
“ My mother and elder sister were pillars of support for me; I needed constant words of support . When I discovered social media , I realised I could actually help people through it . I started by writing my stories and sharing them .

“ In no time , people began to share their issues with me, especially relationship, emotional and marital issues . It further occurred to me that as they wrote to me I didn ’ t have all the answers , so I would edit the stories for other people to contribute their opinions about them .
“ When I discovered Facebook , it eased the burden as I was seeking answers to my problems . When people were responding, I discovered I was not the only one going through some things and that there were others who survived it . It gave me strength . I realised it was another phase of life that I could move on from .
“ Most of the stories I receive are usually about marital infidelity in varying degrees . Others are usually from young people who are battling with relationship issues .
“ Social media has brought comfort to people ; it is more of an advantage than a disadvantage . I have heard numerous testimonies from people who are active on my platform and some marriages were initiated on the platform, ” she said .
Sharing personal stories on social media also comes with some adverse effects ; for example , Chukwuneta has had to deal with people accusing her of taking sides regarding some of the stories she shares on her page . According to her , she also gets overwhelmed by other people ’ s stories sometimes .
“ Some people usually identify with some stories after they are uploaded , I avoid being specific about some of the details of the stories I share .

“ There was an instance when a woman accused me and other participants of taking sides with her husband after I shared the story on the page . She could discern that the story was about her . There are instances where the other party would come to me to say their side of the story. And some of them always say they felt better after sharing their story.

“ I also have my life so I get overwhelmed ; sometimes I have to bear everybody’ s burden but there is nobody to bear mine . That is why once in a while I take a break from social media . I observe these breaks intermittently to make me rejuvenate and face my own issues . It takes a large chunk of my time but it is my volunteer service to the society, ” she said .
Some celebrities also pour their hearts out on social media
Actor and producer, Iyabo Ojo , recently shared how she struggled to raise her children after her failed marriage. With tears in her eyes , she revealed that she had to bear the pain of knowing that her ex – husband only married her because she was pregnant for him . This revelation came as a shock to some Nigerians .
“ These are tears of joy ; it is a grateful reflection of my past . I sit back today and all I can is be grateful . I am trying to give hope to a lot of mothers out there , both married and single mothers; that no matter what you go through to raise your kids , you have to find that strength to move on . Always channel your love to your children . I remember when I got married and on my wedding day I discovered my husband did not love me.

“ On my wedding night, he said , ‘ I don’ t love you ; I only married you because you were pregnant . ’ I gave my life to Christ again because I could not just come out of a marriage I just got into . I decided to have my child in church . The first time that boy popped out , every sadness left . I loved him with all my heart . I made a vow that I would give him all the love . In a bid to make my marriage work , I found out that I was pregnant again and this time the situation was even worse because my husband was gone even while we were together even though I tried to love him with every bit of me but he didn ’ t understand my kind of love .

“ When I was about to have my baby girl , there was no money ; all I had on me was N 150. I had to beg a nurse to deliver me of my baby in her room with no medication. I had my baby in a room. When she came , I fainted because I had lost a lot of blood and my husband could not even take me to the hospital. I had to let go of the marriage because I needed my sanity to move on and focus my attention on my children . We all have a story to tell , I have forgiven my husband , ” she had said tearfully .
Also recently , Francis Odega used his Instagram page to address some allegations levelled against him by his wife and daughter. A video had gone viral about how the actor chased his wife out of his house after threatening to stab her . In response to the allegations , the comic actor denied that he was a deadbeat dad as the allegations had suggested .

In the same vein , popular actor , Tonto Dikeh used her YouTube channel to share the story of some of the challenges she allegedly faced in her failed marriage. She shared her story in a three – part video she released on her channel titled : The Evidence .
Experts express their views
But speaking about the recent habit by some Nigerians to share their personal stories online instead of sharing them with friends and relations , a professor of sociology , Prof Lai Olurode , noted that the option of being anonymous on social media gives people the opportunity to share their stories without the fear of being judged .
“ Since there is no face – to – face interaction , people prefer to share their personal issues with individuals that they are not familiar with ; they feel confident to share . For example , if someone did something wrong and the person is under sanction , he would not want to share that information with individuals who cautioned him earlier against such behaviour . People are now busy with the Internet at meetings and conferences. Their minds are not always present ; they are always busy sharing information with people thousands of miles away , ” he said .

He, however , noted that social media cannot replace face – to – face communication .
“ If someone shares information with another over the Internet , he may not get the best because there is nothing that can be compared to face – to – face interaction . Social media cannot replace personal experiences . That is why some marriages contracted online tend to have some challenges ; communication goes beyond verbal communication ; there is a lot to communication through non – verbal cues .
“ Social media has removed humanity from social interaction ; the relationship created there is secondary and not primary . It cannot cure loneliness ; there is a need for a sense of humanity . I believe that as individuals move through the hierarchy of age , they will either continue to rely or opt out of social media platforms depending on their circumstances . There is no way it can replace humanity, the social divide between people cannot be cured with this, ” he added .

In Prof Fagbohungbe Oni ’ s view , people share their personal issues on social media for different reasons .
Oni , a psychologist at the University of Lagos , noted that when someone is faced with a problem, they are in a state of anxiety and until they find solution to the problem, the symptoms would be there .
“ As individuals, we have our differences. Some people do it genuinely in order to see whether they can get solutions to their problems ; while others may use it as a medium of exploitation . They do these things anonymously so people cannot readily verify the genuineness of their problem. Some of them are actually helpless . I think it is always better to have a credible institution where such people can take their problems to and they are verified .
“ One of the implications of this act is exposure; anyone who comes across their information becomes aware of their issues. Sharing problems on social media out of loneliness is a psychological euphoria . It will only create a psychological solution and not a physical solution . Meanwhile , what is needed is a physical solution . If an individual believes that their loneliness can be cured by going on social media , that ’ s his perception ; he would attain some level of satisfaction .

“ Doing that , the feeling loneliness has been defeated; it is similar when people take alcohol when they have issues . Researches on social media are still ongoing ; it has come to stay with us . When a phenomenon is discovered and it is assisting people ’ s problems ; we can only find ways to improve it , it cannot be eradicated, ” he told Saturday PUNCH.