Opinion

The Animal Farm called Nigeria

Published

5 years ago

June 24, 2019

God’ s name is love . Always , His thoughts towards Man are good . On the morning of creation day , God said , “ Let there be light : and there was light . ” He then created the atmosphere , dry ground , plants , the sun , the moon , stars , birds , sea animals and land animals respectively . Finally , He created Man , His ultimate handiwork . Then God stepped back , looked at the wonderful creations of His hands , He was pleased .
Early on the sixth day of creation – just before He made Man – He created the snake and the gorilla . In His boundless wisdom , He created the snake as a carnivore and the gorilla as a herbivore . The snake and the gorilla and the wild beasts that tenanted the Garden of Eden He made harmless . He made them for Man ’ s recreation. He made them to obey Adam and Eve .

Thereafter , Man lost paradise and gained hell for the thoughts of Man are evil .
Then God ’ s annoyance rained down upon the earth . After 40 days of rain , the Great Flood swept through the surface of the earth , killing all the obstinate creatures that shunned Noah ’ s Ark . But both the snake and the gorilla made it to the redemptive Ark . After 150 days of flooding, the water receded and there was dry land. God told Noah to bring out each kind of animals – male and female , so that they could multiply and be fruitful and increase in number .
Having forfeited paradise , Man lost total control over the animals . Subsequently , the snake aimed its teeth at Man ’ s heels and Man aimed his stick at the snake’ s head . Enmity also came between the gorilla and Man . Thus , Man lost paradise to the apple , sin and Satan.

With arms longer their legs, the only surviving male and female gorillas from Noah ’ s Ark knuckle – walked from the top of the Mountains of Ararat , where Noah ’ s Ark berthed, to other lands, mating , multiplying and merrymaking . Today , the gorilla is found virtually everywhere on the face of the earth . The two surviving snakes , male and female , also crawled out of the Ark and made their way into the wild , slithering from one land to another , hissing, intertwining and breeding . But today , snakes are not found everywhere , the journey from the top of Ararat must have been too tedious for their soft underbellies . Today , snakes are not found in Ireland , New Zealand , Iceland, Newfoundland and Antarctica .

From Ararat to Egypt to Canaan, some snakes and gorillas made it to Nigeria, a heartless nation of saints where the destinies of snakes and gorillas were changed . The snake that God made as a carnivore in Eden has been changed into an omnivore in Nigeria. The gorilla that God made as a herbivore in Eden has been changed into an omnivore in Nigeria. Both the snake and the gorilla now eat everything , including dollars , pounds, euro and the cheap naira.
Last year February , the Nigerian snake had a physiological upgrade from a reptile to a mammalian – courtesy of the undying spirit of corruption prevalent in the land. Last year , the snake, having realised that he cannot outdo Nigerians in sin , decided to learn a few tricks from them . The snake went all the way to Makurdi in Benue State and submitted itself for tutelage . In Makurdi, Nigeria avenged what the snake did to Adam and Eve . Nigeria taught the snake to sin . Nigeria entered the mind of the snake and told it to swallow N 36 m ! To make the revenge perfect, it was an Eve – one Philomena Chieshe – that lured the snake to swallow the money in the Joint Admissions and Matriculation Board Office in Makurdi.

In the heat of the snake controversy , the gorilla became sad . It lay on its back in the Kano zoological meadow , lost in thought : “ Snake swallow N 36 m ? Wetin dis shameless Nigerians take everybody for sef ? Wetin snake wan buy with N 36 m ? Na food or clothes or motor or house ? Me wey look like Man, me wey fit smoke , play ball ; wey fit wear clothes and wey fit go market never swallow money , na snake come dey swallow money. Craze people . ”

Nigeria is in the change era . Some call it the next level . The gorilla rose to its feet , yawned , let out a loud fart and smiled. It sat up on its hairless butt , while its powerful , hairy arms rested on the tree trunk slightly above its head . The far -reaching wavelength of the transistor radio carried the voice of the newscaster into the evening : “ Now, the news in full: The gorilla in the Kano State Zoological Garden has swallowed N 6 . 8 m cash . The N 6 . 8 m was collected as gate fees from fun seekers who visited the zoo during the Eid – il – Fitr festival early this month … ”

Whaaaat!!! The gorilla let out a loud grunt and rained knuckles of blows on its chest .
N 6 . 8 m for where !!?? Which gorilla swallow the money? No be me be dis ? I see six kobo swallow , not to talk of N 6 ? Kai , see me see trouble o ! Nigerians , una think say una fit lie against me because I no fit talk ? I go tell una say I fit hear ! And I fit act .
The voice of the newscaster floated to the gorilla again. “ The kidnapped son of ex -Minister of Health, Dayo Adewole , has been released . The Assistant Inspector – General of Police, Zone 11 , Leye Oyebade ; the Oyo State Police Commissioner , Shina Olukolu , and the Garrison Commander, 2 Division, Nigerian Army , Brigadier – General O. O. Soleye , on Wednesday , led their men to the scene where Dayo was kidnapped …”
The gorilla placed its black palms at the top of its head in sadness : “ Wicked leaders ! Stupid citizens ! So , the life of the ex -minister’ s son dey more important than those of the thousands wey kidnappers don dey kill since ? Na so Sai Baba turn Nigeria upside down when im pikin fall yakata on top of okada in 2007 . Since kidnappers take over Ilesha – Akure Road , Ife – Ibadan Road and other roads across the country , dem no send even vigilante to visit there o . Now , all Nigerian troops don visit the spot where dem kidnap ex – minister son quick , quick . Shior ! Na to steal money Nigerians sabi, dem no sabi rule . Me , I fit rule better if dem vote for me . I go provide food , security and jobs … ”

The newscaster went on: “ We can ’ t disclose President , Vice – President, govs ’ assets , says Code of Conduct Bureau …” Habaaaa ! the gorilla bellowed again and later bowed its head in utter sadness . “ Dis stupid people . Why una say make dem declare dem assets when una no fit disclose the assets to Nigerians ? How Nigerians go dey sure say no be fake assets the herdsman of Katsina , the Ijebu pastor and governors declare so ? Wetin Freedom of Information law talk ? Chai , CCB talk say disclosing information on the assets declared by the president , vice – president , governors etc amount to invasion of privacy ! Wetin Sai Baba , Ijebu pastor and the governors wan hide sef ? The late President Shehu Yar ’ Adua give im completed asset declaration forms to journalists publicly nah . Which kain anti -corruption fight be dis ? Anti – corruption government wey no fit disclose the assets of im major officers !? Even me wey be gorilla sabi say na fake anti – corruption fight dem dey fight so.

“ Chai ! Dis Naija ! Bullion van enter someone ’ s house for election period , EFCC no talk . Election don end , pastor don stop to distribute N 10 , 000 tradermoni for marketplace . The wife of oga patapata dey wear designer clothes worth N 700, 000. A former Secretary to the Government of the Federation misappropriated N 270m meant for victims displaced by Boko Haram, nothing do am. Gandollar was filmed stuffing dollars into his babanriga . Which government corrupt pass , dis one or the Fee Dee Fee government ? See , me I prefer to remain a gorilla instead of turning into a Nigerian o . ”

Tunde Odesola ; ( tundeodes 2003 @ yahoo . com )